I didn’t expect you to come into my life the way you did. I was looking but I never once imagined myself actually finding someone that I wanted a future with. You are so incredibly special to me because you seemed to want to spend your precious time with me. I appreciated the way we sat around the house, held each other and laughed at the benign parts of life together. You did so much for me, I cannot even imagine to think how I could have gotten through these past few months without you. You flew to a different state only to get into my car to drive back home, you helped me move back and even cleaned my house to make it more a home. You cancelled dinner plans to suit my appetite for seafood, you put up with long distance, and you did this all with no complaints and with a smile on your face. There’s so much you did for me, it overwhelms me reliving all these moments. Our first and only road trip, you amazed me with your generosity and willingness to put me first.
Yet in our short time together, the journey was more often than not, akin to Sydney’s horrendous roads and traffic. It was never smooth sailing for long because as soon as we started to get the hang of things and feel like we were becoming ‘us’, a pothole would remind us of how much ‘you’ and ‘me’ were never going to become ‘us’ and ‘we’. At points, it felt like we were stuck in a jam and it forced us to a standstill and kept us from every realising our hopes for the relationship. At first I blamed the distance between us, knowing that once we start living in the same city, our relationship will get better, and we can finally just be us; we can settle down and find our own way; it was what I longed for.
When we drove home, back to the city we both called home and the relief of never having to go through weeks of not being held in your arms was over. I honestly felt such a wave of peace knowing that this would be the start of something great. Alas, after-hours work started and I didn’t see you much, but that was okay because it was just for 2 weeks. Life will go back to normal and you and I will start this proper, I promise. But as life went back to normal, ‘us’ didn’t blossom, ‘we’ didn’t become a reality. I needed more time, I needed to see you more, I needed you around me, I needed you to tell me how you felt about me, how I made you feel. Instead, you did things in your own way. You cleaned my house, you did all the things I wanted to do, you held me in your arms and were generous with your kisses. I loved that, I loved it all, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more, I wanted more. More, you couldn’t give; more you were unwilling to change.
This was it. More and more, brought us further apart even though this was the closest we had been in the months that I was away. This was the closest we had been, but the furthest I felt from you. When I articulated my feelings on this, you did not understand. ‘We do what you want to do’, you said. ‘We spent the whole day together, and you still feel far from me? Does everything we just did mean nothing to you?’ you asked.
In the end, ‘I can’t do this’, was constantly on my mind. We cared about each other and saw a future together, but we just couldn’t compromise. ‘We’ couldn’t be because ‘you’ and ‘I’ weren’t ready. ‘You’ and ‘I’ could give up what we want for the sake of ‘us’, but would ‘we’ be truly happy if we did? I don’t know. I think about it and sometimes I do wish I did. I wish I could let go of what I wanted in order to keep you. You were great, you made me laugh, you were generous and caring. You are also stubborn and uncompromising and you did not want to see me more than what you wanted.
It’s over now and my heart is just as heavy as this cloudy spring afternoon. I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution. It’s been a week since ‘us’ fell apart and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I miss you dearly and nobody seems to fill that hole you left in my heart. I wish I could tell you I understand now why it happened, but even if the reasons were clear, I still wouldn’t accept it. I don’t know what I want to be honest but all I know is what we had took me by surprise. What you’ve done for me, I will always be grateful.
Thank you and I miss you.