Dearest G,

I didn’t expect you to come into my life the way you did. I was looking but I never once imagined myself actually finding someone that I wanted a future with. You are so incredibly special to me because you seemed to want to spend your precious time with me. I appreciated the way we sat around the house, held each other and laughed at the benign parts of life together. You did so much for me, I cannot even imagine to think how I could have gotten through these past few months without you. You flew to a different state only to get into my car to drive back home, you helped me move back and even cleaned my house to make it more a home. You cancelled dinner plans to suit my appetite for seafood, you put up with long distance, and you did this all with no complaints and with a smile on your face. There’s so much  you did for me, it overwhelms me reliving all these moments. Our first and only road trip, you amazed me with your generosity and willingness to put me first.

Yet in our short time together, the journey was more often than not, akin to Sydney’s horrendous roads and traffic. It was never smooth sailing for long because as soon as we started to get the hang of things and feel like we were becoming ‘us’, a pothole would remind us of how much ‘you’ and ‘me’ were never going to become ‘us’  and ‘we’. At points, it felt like we were stuck in a jam and it forced us to a standstill and kept us from every realising our hopes for the relationship. At first I blamed the distance between us, knowing that once we start living in the same city, our relationship will get better, and we can finally just be us; we can settle down and find our own way; it was what I longed for.

When we drove home, back to the city we both called home and the relief of never having to go through weeks of not being held in your arms was over. I honestly felt such a wave of peace knowing that this would be the start of something great. Alas, after-hours work started and I didn’t see you much, but that was okay because it was just for 2 weeks. Life will go back to normal and you and I will start this proper, I promise. But as life went back to normal, ‘us’ didn’t blossom, ‘we’ didn’t become a reality. I needed more time, I needed to see you more, I needed you around me, I needed you to tell me how you felt about me, how I made you feel. Instead, you did things in your own way. You cleaned my house, you did all the things I wanted to do, you held me in your arms and were generous with your kisses. I loved that, I loved it all, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more, I wanted more. More, you couldn’t give; more you were unwilling to change.

This was it. More and more, brought us further apart even though this was the closest we had been in the months that I was away. This was the closest we had been, but the furthest I felt from you. When I articulated my feelings on this, you did not understand. ‘We do what you want to do’, you said. ‘We spent the whole day together, and you still feel far from me? Does everything we just did mean nothing to you?’ you asked.

In the end, ‘I can’t do this’, was constantly on my mind. We cared about each other and saw a future together, but we just couldn’t compromise. ‘We’ couldn’t be because ‘you’ and ‘I’ weren’t ready. ‘You’ and ‘I’ could give up what we want for the sake of ‘us’, but would ‘we’ be truly happy if we did? I don’t know. I think about it and sometimes I do wish I did. I wish I could let go of what I wanted in order to keep you. You were great, you made me laugh, you were generous and caring. You are also stubborn and uncompromising and you did not want to see me more than what you wanted.

It’s over now and my heart is just as heavy as this cloudy spring afternoon. I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution. It’s been a week since ‘us’ fell apart and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I miss you dearly and nobody seems to fill that hole you left in my heart. I wish I could tell you I understand now why it happened, but even if the reasons were clear, I still wouldn’t accept it. I don’t know what I want to be honest but all I know is what we had took me by surprise. What you’ve done for me, I will always be grateful.

Thank you and I miss you.

This Is How I’ll Date You

Thought Catalog

IMG_2672-2 Taylor Aikins

I’ll date you because I choose to. I will desire you with every dawn and I will desire you with every dusk. I will date you because you make me laugh, because despite your flaws and your temperaments, my heart feels safe within your hands. I will date you and I will pay no mind to the alternative, I will turn a blind eye to the people who stare because my gaze was made for your gaze. In this generation option creeps into relationships like a dangerous siren, but I will never be swayed by its song, for when I date you, I will date only you.

I will date you in a forgetful way. I wont be able to recall the time you were born, or your mothers middle name. I will forget mini anniversaries, I will forget appointments. However, I will never forget the way you…

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on confidence

On confidence.

As far as I can remember, I’ve always felt inadequate, incompetent and quite stupid. I have constantly compared myself to others and felt I’ve come up short next to my peers. This has been one of the major stressors in my life, making me feel quite depressed on numerous occasions. I have low self-confidence, low self-esteem and low self-worth, which I suppose mixes up to an almost lethal cocktail of depression and anxiety.

I recently started working at a hospital and I felt completely useless on most days. I felt stupid for making mistakes and there were so many days I felt that I shouldn’t even be paid because of my incompetence. I came on home and burst into tears on an occasion and it has contributed to me having a depressive episode. I felt so overwhelmed and overcome with anxiety it took over my thoughts and the fear of making mistakes was always at the back of my mind. I felt so trapped and longed for the day my boss would fire me so I didn’t have to go through the ordeal over and over again.

Last week, I spoke to one of my bosses and told her I didn’t have the necessary skillset to live up to the expectations they had of me and that they should find someone that could do the job better than I could. I expected her to agree with me, I expected many negative words to come flying back at me and was quite prepared to take a tongue-lashing. Instead, what she said actually silenced me for a while. She said she and the other boss were very happy with me. Yes, I did make mistakes, but who hasn’t. I was doing absolutely fine and nobody expects me to be perfect. I only just started, there was no expectation for me to know everything and be perfect.

It was then that I realised the person putting me down was myself. I was the one giving myself unreasonable expectations and crucified myself when I fell short of perfection.

Looking back on all my work experiences and jobs, I realised I’ve actually done pretty well for myself. Most of my feedback has been great. The times when I didn’t get a great feedback, I realise most problems were on the other person’s end.

Today at prac class, as much as I felt my peers be slightly dismissive to me, I was doing fine. At times I was slightly nervous, but each time, I got the job done. I am better than I thought I would be, more comfortable than others and oddly enough quite calm throughout the whole class. I did freak out when I thought the cow was going to kick my face, but who wouldn’t?

On top of that, I learnt that because I always felt inferior, lousy and quite silly on many occasions, I’m humble and willing to learn. This is something I have noticed many of my peers are not. We are in a course that is quite hard to get into, where everybody was the top in his or her class before coming in. Hence, accepting help, instruction and feedback is difficult because it’s not something they are use to. I am also more patient with myself, giving myself more time to get things right, less worried about failing. I don’t treat my peers badly if they can’t get it right because I know how much it sucks to feel incompetent.

I’m not nearly ‘there’ yet by any means. I still get upset when I don’t get things right and feel quite dumb when somebody hands me a whole page of instructions (because I can’t actually read it). But I’m learning that I’m honestly not nearly as incompetent as I thought myself to be. I’m learning that though my strengths lie not in academia, I’m good with my hands and respond well to being thrown in the deep end. 🙂

Things I have learnt from dating Non-Christians.

Over the past 6 months I started dating again. I wasn’t looking for a specific type; I kind of just went along with the flow, going wherever felt right. If you have read my other entries, you probably know all of this already and none of this is a surprise to you. It has definitely not been the easiest of times and at times, I have doubted myself so much and have gone through some of my lowest lows. I don’t think I had a specific goal that I wanted to achieve, it was more of the need to move past feeling stagnant and doing something about my feelings of loneliness rather than wanting to ultimately marry someone some day.


Since I do live in a pretty secular city and the avenues of which I chose to meet people were pretty secular too, most of the people I met were Non-Christians. As a Christian girl who has numerous staunch Christian friends who have in the past with other friends discouraged the dating of Non-Christians, I knew dating them would be an issue, but I did not really care. I guess that speaks volumes of where I am in my walk with God. I got to a place where I felt quite distant from him. This could be attributable to a variety of factors of which I don’t care to list. All the same, I went ahead to see what was outside the realm of evangelicals.

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my friend over dinner so rightly put it, some boys so skilfully cling on in the most charming of ways that even when you continuously chuck them aside, they manage to hold on long enough for you to realise just how adorable they are (or have become).

He describes me to his friends as weird because he can’t see how I would like him. I guess it’s because he doesn’t see my odd and strange behaviour as anything else but charming and delightful and never makes me apologetic for the such. But more than just making me feel accepted, he’s so easy going that he perfectly compliments my uptight nature, making us get along so well. He’s always so polite even when nobody else is to him and always tries to do the proper thing regardless of how he comes across. He’s the first to offer his help and knows instinctively when to step back and lay low. He never feels like his masculinity is threatened nor does he feel the need to threaten others. He never played games with me, he knows what he wants and is decisive about it. And he is Oh-so-funny.

There have been a few hiccups, which made the past week a nightmare. To be honest, it isn’t fully resolved, but he promised whatever happens, he’ll be okay with it.

On some levels, I don’t believe he fully gets me. But that’s to be expected and really isn’t a big deal. There’s just one issue which I don’t know whether we will ever get over, he knows it and I know it. Sometimes, I just stare at him and tell him how afraid I am of the future and of the outcome of our relationship. He becomes sad at that point too and we just quietly allow our minds to race with the most painful scenarios playing out vividly. We try to snap back to the present and enjoy the moments we have together. I try my best to remain as unemotional as I can, yet the wall I’ve so deliberately put up, has been unknownst to me hacked away quite quickly. I’ve been unconsciously falling for him.

So yes, I tried so desperately to chuck him aside, but this boy has held on so tightly to be, that without his stubby fingers wrapped around the nape of my neck and his kid-in-a-candy-store smile, I’d be so miserable and quite lost.

i’m seriously quickly falling for this guy. at first i did not understand why, but it became so obvious when every date we’ve had had both of us laughing hysterically. i was at his dinner party yesterday and it was so great how he just instinctively knew how made me feel comfortable with his friends without ever mollycoddling me. i really really like how easy going he is and how that’s so different from me, it made washing the dishes with him quite fun. i asked him the other day why he liked me, he said, my glasses. (i don’t wear any) i absolutely loved that response. i can go on and on about him and how great he is. but there’s also a lot i’m not saying. i’m leaving soon and it’s breaking both our hearts. as much as i’m trying to keep my feelings to myself and not let this get out of hand, he’s constantly on my mind and i always want to see him. i want to do everything with him, i want to watch the state of the union speech with him. it’s going to be so hard. but isn’t it far better to throw yourself into it and hold back and regret? i really really don’t know. i already really miss him.