g

Dearest G,

I didn’t expect you to come into my life the way you did. I was looking but I never once imagined myself actually finding someone that I wanted a future with. You are so incredibly special to me because you seemed to want to spend your precious time with me. I appreciated the way we sat around the house, held each other and laughed at the benign parts of life together. You did so much for me, I cannot even imagine to think how I could have gotten through these past few months without you. You flew to a different state only to get into my car to drive back home, you helped me move back and even cleaned my house to make it more a home. You cancelled dinner plans to suit my appetite for seafood, you put up with long distance, and you did this all with no complaints and with a smile on your face. There’s so much  you did for me, it overwhelms me reliving all these moments. Our first and only road trip, you amazed me with your generosity and willingness to put me first.

Yet in our short time together, the journey was more often than not, akin to Sydney’s horrendous roads and traffic. It was never smooth sailing for long because as soon as we started to get the hang of things and feel like we were becoming ‘us’, a pothole would remind us of how much ‘you’ and ‘me’ were never going to become ‘us’  and ‘we’. At points, it felt like we were stuck in a jam and it forced us to a standstill and kept us from every realising our hopes for the relationship. At first I blamed the distance between us, knowing that once we start living in the same city, our relationship will get better, and we can finally just be us; we can settle down and find our own way; it was what I longed for.

When we drove home, back to the city we both called home and the relief of never having to go through weeks of not being held in your arms was over. I honestly felt such a wave of peace knowing that this would be the start of something great. Alas, after-hours work started and I didn’t see you much, but that was okay because it was just for 2 weeks. Life will go back to normal and you and I will start this proper, I promise. But as life went back to normal, ‘us’ didn’t blossom, ‘we’ didn’t become a reality. I needed more time, I needed to see you more, I needed you around me, I needed you to tell me how you felt about me, how I made you feel. Instead, you did things in your own way. You cleaned my house, you did all the things I wanted to do, you held me in your arms and were generous with your kisses. I loved that, I loved it all, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more, I wanted more. More, you couldn’t give; more you were unwilling to change.

This was it. More and more, brought us further apart even though this was the closest we had been in the months that I was away. This was the closest we had been, but the furthest I felt from you. When I articulated my feelings on this, you did not understand. ‘We do what you want to do’, you said. ‘We spent the whole day together, and you still feel far from me? Does everything we just did mean nothing to you?’ you asked.

In the end, ‘I can’t do this’, was constantly on my mind. We cared about each other and saw a future together, but we just couldn’t compromise. ‘We’ couldn’t be because ‘you’ and ‘I’ weren’t ready. ‘You’ and ‘I’ could give up what we want for the sake of ‘us’, but would ‘we’ be truly happy if we did? I don’t know. I think about it and sometimes I do wish I did. I wish I could let go of what I wanted in order to keep you. You were great, you made me laugh, you were generous and caring. You are also stubborn and uncompromising and you did not want to see me more than what you wanted.

It’s over now and my heart is just as heavy as this cloudy spring afternoon. I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution. It’s been a week since ‘us’ fell apart and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I miss you dearly and nobody seems to fill that hole you left in my heart. I wish I could tell you I understand now why it happened, but even if the reasons were clear, I still wouldn’t accept it. I don’t know what I want to be honest but all I know is what we had took me by surprise. What you’ve done for me, I will always be grateful.

Thank you and I miss you.

both owner and vet student.

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I realised I can’t be objective when it comes to my own animal. I can throw around big words and know what the vet is saying, but when it comes down to it, the dog is mine and when I look at him, the only emotion I feel is absolute love. Might not be rational love.

Just got home from the vets and he might or might not have a malignant tumour in his mouth. 😦 I don’t think I will even try to be rational.

standby

I honestly can tell you that on a perfectly calm day, a day with blue skies, smiling faces and the right food and company, I am perfectly content. Happy to be single, happy to live this life without the hassle that comes with being in a relationship. Then there are days like today that makes it almost unbearable.

My ex-boyfriend. He is the kind of guy you would be proud to be held in his arms and show off to whomever you meet. He is patient, kind, understanding, intelligent, God-fearing, and so funny. It is a wonder why he chose me to begin with. It’s been quite a while since we’ve broken up, there are still days where the memory of him and I seem all too vivid for my sanity. I do miss him and will always love him. Yet, I know breaking up with most certainly the best decision that I was forced to go along with. Our relationship though amazing because we shared such a great connection where we could so easily be with each other without the need of expensive dinners or presents. We rarely bought each other presents or went to expensive restaurants. We enjoyed the pleasure of each other’s company and were always making each other laugh. It was nice. But the strains of life weighed on his shoulders as we entered the new year. Hopeful were we in the bright future we planned meticulously in front of ourselves, ready to be engaged and married. The stress from work, family and church were too much for him. And I, the supportive girlfriend, became selfish. The fairytale collapsed and in collapsing broke us both.

On hindsight, I know how far I’ve come from my immature days as his girlfriend. I’ve learnt to be more self-sufficient. I’ve learnt to enjoy being alone that insey bit more. I’ve learnt to be better on my own and not need him to hold my hand through every painful period of my life. I’ve learnt to be more independent. I make it sound like breaking up was easy as. I assure you it wasn’t. I got into bad habits post-break-up. And it’s taken me a long time to break them. It’s also taken me a great deal of restraint to not call him so often. Self-control isn’t my finest quality. But I’ve learnt to open my life up to others. Sometimes it was so good and I’ve made new friends who are trustworthy and lovely. However, there were times when I got hurt.

I learnt many things. But the context in which I had to learn them was almost excruciating. But it is through these painful circumstances that I have gained such a great appreciation for a God who seems to love me regardless of my stupidity and sinfulness. Whilst, I strived to gain the love of men that no matter how good they are, seem to leave, I have a God, THE God who does not leave. I have a God who ran after me when I left.  I have a God who not only will not leave me in my darkest hour, but sends his son to die the worst death and experience isolation from God, so that my sinful self can be redeemed. This never ceases to shake me from the inside out. I know my own sins, I know how dark my heart is, all this I know so well. Yet, Jesus willingly laid down his life for me. Why? Can’t he see how foolish I am? Can’t he see I make bad decisions? In all my darkness, in all my pain, when I hide myself from him, he is still there. He never leaves. This is my God. This is the one who I give my life to.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Pslam 139:7-12

You know me and yet you love me. Jesus, thank you. You make today bearable.

I love thee infinity.

I want to start writing publicly again. This is not because I crave the attention as sometimes having such an open account of my feelings and thoughts makes me feel like a silverback gorilla in its enclosure. I want to write because I’m constantly thinking of things that I’d like to say to people, but never really get the opportunity to. It’s not that the opportunities don’t show themselves, but rather because I’m quite a slow thinker, it takes me forever to digest an idea that by the time I come to some semblance of a conclusion, everybody is rushing off to the next appointment. Also, despite my painful extroversion, I am unfortunately terribly cowardly. I’m simply not brave enough to express my exact feelings because of the most juvenile of reasons, I want to be liked. I’m learning obviously that that is in itself might contribute more to people disliking me, that is, needing approval and being so wishy washy. My sanguine self I hope will try to push through the inertia that comes with the initial stages of blog writing. Though, knowing me, don’t hold your breath for long.

I think the first thing that I always wanted to write about is based on a conversation I constantly have, I’m (or he is or she is) gay (bisexual) there is nothing wrong with me (him/her). At this point, most of the time, I try to tiptoe out of the corner I’ve painted myself into and hope and pray I say something politically correct without offending the parties involved. Maybe before I start, a little bit of my background should be provided. I am a Christian first and foremost. I would love for my identity to just be Christian and myself to be excluded and unseen for I do believe that because I am also a sinner, I am most definitely an inaccurate depiction of who Christ is and what he has done. Alas, we live in a fallen world and my sinful identity is all too evident. I am not as same-sex-tempted as other people are (which should make sense if I am as coherent as I’d like to be) and live in a city that pretty much can be called the gay capital of the world.

So, from all my conversations with all my brothers and sisters who call themselves gay or lesbian or bisexual, when somebody says, ‘so what? there is nothing wrong with me‘, as I’ve mentioned earlier, I do want to say something comforting something polite, for example, ‘ no sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, I love who you are no matter who you love‘. But I can’t. The truth is, yes there is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with me. There is something wrong with all of us. We are sinners in a sinful world, we have gone our own way and rejected God’s rule in our lives. I am a sinner, a terrible sinner who is deserving of complete isolation from God. But because God loved me so much, he sent Jesus to die a horrible death to pay the price that I deserve to pay all by myself for me. In doing so, God made me a sinner, pure. I love you, my brothers and sisters and I will never think myself better than you but what you are doing is not what God created you for. He created you in his image and I hope one day you know this truth for yourself. But until then, I will be here waiting for you.

At this point, I do realise that nobody really is going to sit and listen to my whole spiel, but I hope to move in that general direction, rather than taking the easy way out. I do think that being gay/lesbian/bisexual runs contrary to what God has created romantic relationships to be. But does that mean I am any better than them because I am not so inclined? Nope. Honestly, I can say plainly that I’ve mess up big time on a continual basis. I do however feel continually saddened over the repeated discrimination that gays/lesbians/bisexuals face. Whether it is just a causal remark or outright crimes, I am sorry that this world is so sinful and I wish they didn’t have to go through the things they do.

I say same-sex-tempted as an expression of homosexuality because I feel that the terms homosexuality and heterosexuality are too black and white. They define an either-or situation, however, I do think same sex attraction is more of a gradient and depth to which we are tempted to lust after people or the same sex. For example, do we label a person who had one homosexual experience but now is in a heterosexual relationship the former or the latter? Or if a person has been for his majority of his life a heterosexual but decides to have one homosexual experience, do we give him the label that describes the majority of his life or the most recent part of his life? Hence, sometimes these labels just don’t work. We are on a gradient. And some of us are tempted more so than others.

And to those who are tempted and are doing all their best to resist the temptation, I do respect you with all my heart. Jesus was tempted in many ways and he overcame them, so can you.

I am still learning and I do admit I get it wrong almost 99% of the time. Be patient with me. Bear with me. Admittedly, I’m not the best of writers or the most articulate, but just as Solomon asked God to give him wisdom so he can serve God better, I too ask God to make me wise.