g

Dearest G,

I didn’t expect you to come into my life the way you did. I was looking but I never once imagined myself actually finding someone that I wanted a future with. You are so incredibly special to me because you seemed to want to spend your precious time with me. I appreciated the way we sat around the house, held each other and laughed at the benign parts of life together. You did so much for me, I cannot even imagine to think how I could have gotten through these past few months without you. You flew to a different state only to get into my car to drive back home, you helped me move back and even cleaned my house to make it more a home. You cancelled dinner plans to suit my appetite for seafood, you put up with long distance, and you did this all with no complaints and with a smile on your face. There’s so much  you did for me, it overwhelms me reliving all these moments. Our first and only road trip, you amazed me with your generosity and willingness to put me first.

Yet in our short time together, the journey was more often than not, akin to Sydney’s horrendous roads and traffic. It was never smooth sailing for long because as soon as we started to get the hang of things and feel like we were becoming ‘us’, a pothole would remind us of how much ‘you’ and ‘me’ were never going to become ‘us’  and ‘we’. At points, it felt like we were stuck in a jam and it forced us to a standstill and kept us from every realising our hopes for the relationship. At first I blamed the distance between us, knowing that once we start living in the same city, our relationship will get better, and we can finally just be us; we can settle down and find our own way; it was what I longed for.

When we drove home, back to the city we both called home and the relief of never having to go through weeks of not being held in your arms was over. I honestly felt such a wave of peace knowing that this would be the start of something great. Alas, after-hours work started and I didn’t see you much, but that was okay because it was just for 2 weeks. Life will go back to normal and you and I will start this proper, I promise. But as life went back to normal, ‘us’ didn’t blossom, ‘we’ didn’t become a reality. I needed more time, I needed to see you more, I needed you around me, I needed you to tell me how you felt about me, how I made you feel. Instead, you did things in your own way. You cleaned my house, you did all the things I wanted to do, you held me in your arms and were generous with your kisses. I loved that, I loved it all, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more, I wanted more. More, you couldn’t give; more you were unwilling to change.

This was it. More and more, brought us further apart even though this was the closest we had been in the months that I was away. This was the closest we had been, but the furthest I felt from you. When I articulated my feelings on this, you did not understand. ‘We do what you want to do’, you said. ‘We spent the whole day together, and you still feel far from me? Does everything we just did mean nothing to you?’ you asked.

In the end, ‘I can’t do this’, was constantly on my mind. We cared about each other and saw a future together, but we just couldn’t compromise. ‘We’ couldn’t be because ‘you’ and ‘I’ weren’t ready. ‘You’ and ‘I’ could give up what we want for the sake of ‘us’, but would ‘we’ be truly happy if we did? I don’t know. I think about it and sometimes I do wish I did. I wish I could let go of what I wanted in order to keep you. You were great, you made me laugh, you were generous and caring. You are also stubborn and uncompromising and you did not want to see me more than what you wanted.

It’s over now and my heart is just as heavy as this cloudy spring afternoon. I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution. It’s been a week since ‘us’ fell apart and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I miss you dearly and nobody seems to fill that hole you left in my heart. I wish I could tell you I understand now why it happened, but even if the reasons were clear, I still wouldn’t accept it. I don’t know what I want to be honest but all I know is what we had took me by surprise. What you’ve done for me, I will always be grateful.

Thank you and I miss you.

Advertisements

to my future boyfriend*

*obviously, you might not exist rendering this post moot.

To my future boyfriend,

a part of me feels sorry you got stuck with me. You’d probably know by now that I can be slightly erratic and terribly emotional at times, I’m sorry, I hope my mood swings and sharp tongue dulls over time but I never make promises I can’t keep. At this point, I obviously know nothing about you but I do hope that you espouse the qualities in a man that reflect God’s love to the people around you and to me. I don’t have a long check list of characteristics I want you to have because I know what draws me to someone isn’t how many boxes they tick, but rather how the person makes me feel and our ability to understand each other without having to continuously and painfully articulate each feeling we experience.

I love God though sometimes my actions reflect otherwise. I’ve changed so much from what I was before and I do like how I am now. I’m slightly more liberal with my thoughts and actions, but the values I hold still stay firmly rooted in what Jesus has done on the cross for me. I love Jesus and you have to love Jesus too. How that manifests itself, I really don’t know. But I do hope that our relationship first and foremost be one that is established deeply in what Christ has done. For without Christ, our relationship will fail.

I don’t wish you to complete me nor fill any holes in my heart I believe are missing because I truly believe that this is a whole lot of crap. With that, I hope we will be able to hold on to ourselves as we walk through this relationship together. You might not love the things I love and that’s alright. I probably will not be interested in any video/computer game you are obsessed with, don’t hate me. Obviously, being in a relationship means sharing our lives and allowing our worlds to collide in the most dramatically beautiful way possible, but that doesn’t mean we need to be sewn together. I want you to have the freedom to be yourself, to go out with the boys and then come home to me with the biggest smile on your face. In the past, I was never able to do this, but with time, I’ve learnt much about independence and have not just appreciated it but started to want it for myself too.

One of the things I’ve been told is that I love to go on and on about how great my friends are. I talk at length about how they have dragged me through my exams and put up with so much of my crap with nothing in return. I do sincerely hope you love them just as much as I do. I cannot imagine a scenario where I come out alive without them, they mean the absolute world to me, please do not ever make me choose between our relationship and them. And just as I love my friends, I hope to love your friends as just much. These are the people you choose to keep around you and though you might not be cognisant of it, they shape you and are partly responsible for you being the way you are. I’m dating you and therefore want to get to know the people who are a part of making you you. I might be extraordinarily shy at first, but that’s because I’m probably incredibly afraid that they might hate me, but I promise, if you love them, I will too.

Families can bring the largest amounts of happiness into one’s lives but also an enormous load of grief. I know this well. Whether we are serious enough to make it to meeting each other’s families will remain unsaid but I hope that if we do, it would be just a gush about how our parents did a great job in bringing either of us up. I hope your mother likes me. I hope my father likes you.

We came together into this relationship has individuals and as such, we both have our own hopes and dreams. We don’t need to have the same dream but it would be incredibly hard to move forward together if our steps cause us to walk to separate directions. Do we give up our dreams for the other? I hope not, because all I can see is resentment following. But, you are not my husband and as such we can be independent in some ways. Does this mean we will be doomed? I’m not sure.

You probably will know that I have been hurt deeply before and bear the scars across my heart to show for it. As I wear my heart of my sleeve, if you have gotten this far, I’m probably enamoured with you, fully exposing a heart that isn’t fully perfect. As much as I would like to ask of you not to break it, promises have not been made, vows not taken and therefore you can break my heart and I yours. If we aren’t meant to be together as fearful as I am of going through another breakup, I hope that we do part ways, sooner rather than later. Though there will be yet another scar, I would rather this than a painful marriage.

But, if God wills it, we do stay together and love each other enough to want to be married, I’ll need to write another letter ;).

standby

I honestly can tell you that on a perfectly calm day, a day with blue skies, smiling faces and the right food and company, I am perfectly content. Happy to be single, happy to live this life without the hassle that comes with being in a relationship. Then there are days like today that makes it almost unbearable.

My ex-boyfriend. He is the kind of guy you would be proud to be held in his arms and show off to whomever you meet. He is patient, kind, understanding, intelligent, God-fearing, and so funny. It is a wonder why he chose me to begin with. It’s been quite a while since we’ve broken up, there are still days where the memory of him and I seem all too vivid for my sanity. I do miss him and will always love him. Yet, I know breaking up with most certainly the best decision that I was forced to go along with. Our relationship though amazing because we shared such a great connection where we could so easily be with each other without the need of expensive dinners or presents. We rarely bought each other presents or went to expensive restaurants. We enjoyed the pleasure of each other’s company and were always making each other laugh. It was nice. But the strains of life weighed on his shoulders as we entered the new year. Hopeful were we in the bright future we planned meticulously in front of ourselves, ready to be engaged and married. The stress from work, family and church were too much for him. And I, the supportive girlfriend, became selfish. The fairytale collapsed and in collapsing broke us both.

On hindsight, I know how far I’ve come from my immature days as his girlfriend. I’ve learnt to be more self-sufficient. I’ve learnt to enjoy being alone that insey bit more. I’ve learnt to be better on my own and not need him to hold my hand through every painful period of my life. I’ve learnt to be more independent. I make it sound like breaking up was easy as. I assure you it wasn’t. I got into bad habits post-break-up. And it’s taken me a long time to break them. It’s also taken me a great deal of restraint to not call him so often. Self-control isn’t my finest quality. But I’ve learnt to open my life up to others. Sometimes it was so good and I’ve made new friends who are trustworthy and lovely. However, there were times when I got hurt.

I learnt many things. But the context in which I had to learn them was almost excruciating. But it is through these painful circumstances that I have gained such a great appreciation for a God who seems to love me regardless of my stupidity and sinfulness. Whilst, I strived to gain the love of men that no matter how good they are, seem to leave, I have a God, THE God who does not leave. I have a God who ran after me when I left.  I have a God who not only will not leave me in my darkest hour, but sends his son to die the worst death and experience isolation from God, so that my sinful self can be redeemed. This never ceases to shake me from the inside out. I know my own sins, I know how dark my heart is, all this I know so well. Yet, Jesus willingly laid down his life for me. Why? Can’t he see how foolish I am? Can’t he see I make bad decisions? In all my darkness, in all my pain, when I hide myself from him, he is still there. He never leaves. This is my God. This is the one who I give my life to.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Pslam 139:7-12

You know me and yet you love me. Jesus, thank you. You make today bearable.