n7 – (iii) – these lessons learnt

Now, I look back on that speck of time that was us and I appreciate it and hope to learn from my mistakes. I guess, when we make mistakes or hurt others, we owe it to ourselves and to them to learn from what happened and promise to never do it again.

I can’t hide behind my shy and awkward personality. I cannot close my eyes and wish away what I need to say. I recognise it is a recurring theme in my life. As brutally honest as I am with my family and friends, I seem to exhibit the direct opposite with my dates. I recognise fully that it is because I am so painfully afraid they’d judge me that I almost feel physically crippled by it. Yet, I know there is nothing to be afraid of and nothing to hide. The more I hide, the more trouble I invite.

I also learnt how much I appreciated your ability to live in the now, your ability to laugh, and enjoy yourself. I also liked how you brought that out in me too. I tend to get too caught up in the future, worrying about everything, things completely out of my control. I caught worked up about abstract information and things so far out of my grasp, I spiral and find myself in a deep hole, depressed, anxious and completely lost. You let me be silly and I never felt like I needed to impress you, though there were many times I wanted to. The moments I felt we both enjoyed ourselves the most were when we let go of our need to look sharp and lived in the present, no matter how dumb we appeared. That is my favourite part about you, something I cherish so dearly and miss now that you are gone. And now I know this is something I hope to find in someone else.

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