n7 – (ii)

Many times in our brief moments together, I felt quite conflicted. There were parts of me that wanted to stop worrying, stop ruminating and to be free to just jump in head first with you.

I broke my own rules with you. I didn’t ask you what you were looking for before we met. I felt so uncertain and curious about you, I didn’t want to cause any strain on such a delicate balance we seem to have achieved in such a short time. Also, our communication wasn’t the greatest. We struggled greatly to verbalise anything remotely serious. Ours was based on laughs and hypothetical questions we’d ask each other, there was little room for real questions about our feelings, expectations and direction to be had.

At times, I felt so incredibly stressed because I needed to know where I stood with you, because you don’t wear your feelings on your sleeve like I do. But the fear of not wanting to be clingy or needy weighed heavily on me and so I too put up walls guarding myself. Yet, I never once felt that walls ever truly protected me from getting hurt.

Because of the lack of communication, I never felt like I could be open with you. It wasn’t like I had much to discuss or much to say, but there was one thing I did want to talk about and I didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell you. I had friends try hard to encourage me to open up to you, but I couldn’t. I was terrified that you would bolt or hate me. I felt I had too much to loose and so I kept it a secret, knowing this would blow up in my face soon. A logical and mature adult would say be open, be honest, communicate. It’s harder than it looks and when you have crippling anxiety of loss, it becomes far too much. Sometimes, it felt it so crippling I wanted to end it with you first to avoid ever having a honest conversation with you. I see the irony in all of this obviously.

When I finally told you, obviously things blew up as I knew it would. I am sorry that things happened the way they did. I hate how I looked so dishonest and almost deceptive. I wish I could explain how terribly conscious I was about all of this and how badly I wanted to have a conversation with you about all of it.

 

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