N7 (i) – how long has it been?

Dearest N,

Hi, I’m G. 

Hi, I’m N. 

Nice to meet you. 

You are my first ever online date. I dipped my toes into the unpredictable sea of online dating with you being my unknowing first. We didn’t have a great date, but your first is never going to be that great. You were nevertheless polite, handsome and someone who I instantly trusted. Years pass and I talk about our date has a funny anecdote of what not to do.

I saw on you the street once and our eyes met, you were with someone else so we didn’t say hello. Then again, I doubt we would have greeted each other had you’ve been alone.

2 and a half years pass. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve dated, gotten into casual relationships, gotten into a serious relationship. But alas, they soon made their way to the relationship cemetery. As my feelings for my ex-boyfriend (G) waned, it felt almost like a natural progression to download dating apps. They feel like a familiar yet sometimes tiring friend, that we all regrettably yet unashamedly have.

Funnily enough, you appear on my screen. I almost instantly laugh audibly. I accept your request. Hey, haven’t we met before? We chat like old friends catching up on life, it’s nice, it feels like seeing a friendly face in a crowded bar. You provide a form of relief from conversations with strangers. There is no need to introduce ourselves, talk about what we do for work nor need to come up with witty lines to impress. It’s nice to talk about how much we both have done since seeing each other.  A couple of months pass by, we chat a little. My friends are chuffed that we’ve reconnected, but I don’t really think too much about it. We didn’t really get along the first time, the second time won’t be any different, I’d say. This is the love story, we’ve been waiting for. You can just see this being played out in the movies. I roll my eyes.

Then after a summer overseas, I’m back in the city. You happen to text and ask whether I’m back. I am. You ask whether I want to have a drink the next day. I say, sure, why not?   I’m slightly hesitant and do wonder what you want. My curiosity is mostly the reason why I agree to meet.

On a rainy night, you appear from the darkened streets with a hesitating yet warm wave. We greet with an awkward hug. Our height difference is most evident, reminding me of how tall I thought you were the first time we met. Perhaps, it is just because I’m tiny. You, always polite, immediately extend your umbrella over me. Let’s go.

We walk to my favourite pub. So, how long as it been?

Maybe it was the dimly lit streets or the fact that I was more focused on our conversation, but it was only in the light of the rowdy pub, do I realise, we both are dressed completely in black with down to our black leather boots, I chuckle to myself. I want to go there mainly because it’s where I feel comfortable. Like everybody else, online dates always make me nervous, so going to a place where I feel safe, where I’ve made nothing but good memories in, makes sense to me. We do have good banter though there were times I could honestly feel both of us trying to think of the next topic to talk about. I think it is safe to say our conversation is vastly superior from our last one. It feels the way the second date always feels. We both are more relaxed, yet, still quite eager to please. Less polite, more laughs and much more inappropriate topics. Thank you alcohol, you are always the best social lubricant. 

We walk to a bar, you think is nearby. But you realise how far it was from the pub, so we walk to get the car. On the way to the car, we see an interesting building and again my curiosity gets the better of me. The building stripped of any solid walls and instead is encased with glass. The building was well lit as there was an event going on. As we walk up to its glass doors, they immediately swing open, as if the building itself wanted us to overcome our hesitance. I take that as a sign and immediately walk confidently in. You are a little wary, but the building is far too intriguing for you to linger behind. I almost instantly, like a child, press the button for the lift. You look completely thrilled yet immensely nervous about getting caught, so you hide yourself on the side. I, on the other hand, position myself where the doors meet, ready for whatever or whoever the lift will  throw at me.

Ding! I look at you, and you look worried about getting caught.

I laugh.

The lift is empty.

We walk in. Mirrors on each side surround us. Top floor please! There are only 3 floors.

Before I get a chance to take in what we both are doing, my view of us in the mirrors becomes obscured by your chest. You stand so close to me, before I get a chance to fully decide whether or not I want to, I lift my chin up, tiptoe, and our lips greet each other quietly. It was as if, our lips themselves felt a little nervous about their own introduction. It was quick, polite, clean and warm. Hi.

Ding! Just as our lips part and we step away from each other, also as though we need time to process this, the door opens and I walk out first with you trailing behind.

 

g

Dearest G,

I didn’t expect you to come into my life the way you did. I was looking but I never once imagined myself actually finding someone that I wanted a future with. You are so incredibly special to me because you seemed to want to spend your precious time with me. I appreciated the way we sat around the house, held each other and laughed at the benign parts of life together. You did so much for me, I cannot even imagine to think how I could have gotten through these past few months without you. You flew to a different state only to get into my car to drive back home, you helped me move back and even cleaned my house to make it more a home. You cancelled dinner plans to suit my appetite for seafood, you put up with long distance, and you did this all with no complaints and with a smile on your face. There’s so much  you did for me, it overwhelms me reliving all these moments. Our first and only road trip, you amazed me with your generosity and willingness to put me first.

Yet in our short time together, the journey was more often than not, akin to Sydney’s horrendous roads and traffic. It was never smooth sailing for long because as soon as we started to get the hang of things and feel like we were becoming ‘us’, a pothole would remind us of how much ‘you’ and ‘me’ were never going to become ‘us’  and ‘we’. At points, it felt like we were stuck in a jam and it forced us to a standstill and kept us from every realising our hopes for the relationship. At first I blamed the distance between us, knowing that once we start living in the same city, our relationship will get better, and we can finally just be us; we can settle down and find our own way; it was what I longed for.

When we drove home, back to the city we both called home and the relief of never having to go through weeks of not being held in your arms was over. I honestly felt such a wave of peace knowing that this would be the start of something great. Alas, after-hours work started and I didn’t see you much, but that was okay because it was just for 2 weeks. Life will go back to normal and you and I will start this proper, I promise. But as life went back to normal, ‘us’ didn’t blossom, ‘we’ didn’t become a reality. I needed more time, I needed to see you more, I needed you around me, I needed you to tell me how you felt about me, how I made you feel. Instead, you did things in your own way. You cleaned my house, you did all the things I wanted to do, you held me in your arms and were generous with your kisses. I loved that, I loved it all, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more, I wanted more. More, you couldn’t give; more you were unwilling to change.

This was it. More and more, brought us further apart even though this was the closest we had been in the months that I was away. This was the closest we had been, but the furthest I felt from you. When I articulated my feelings on this, you did not understand. ‘We do what you want to do’, you said. ‘We spent the whole day together, and you still feel far from me? Does everything we just did mean nothing to you?’ you asked.

In the end, ‘I can’t do this’, was constantly on my mind. We cared about each other and saw a future together, but we just couldn’t compromise. ‘We’ couldn’t be because ‘you’ and ‘I’ weren’t ready. ‘You’ and ‘I’ could give up what we want for the sake of ‘us’, but would ‘we’ be truly happy if we did? I don’t know. I think about it and sometimes I do wish I did. I wish I could let go of what I wanted in order to keep you. You were great, you made me laugh, you were generous and caring. You are also stubborn and uncompromising and you did not want to see me more than what you wanted.

It’s over now and my heart is just as heavy as this cloudy spring afternoon. I don’t have the answers, I don’t have a solution. It’s been a week since ‘us’ fell apart and I don’t know where I stand anymore. I miss you dearly and nobody seems to fill that hole you left in my heart. I wish I could tell you I understand now why it happened, but even if the reasons were clear, I still wouldn’t accept it. I don’t know what I want to be honest but all I know is what we had took me by surprise. What you’ve done for me, I will always be grateful.

Thank you and I miss you.

my friend over dinner so rightly put it, some boys so skilfully cling on in the most charming of ways that even when you continuously chuck them aside, they manage to hold on long enough for you to realise just how adorable they are (or have become).

He describes me to his friends as weird because he can’t see how I would like him. I guess it’s because he doesn’t see my odd and strange behaviour as anything else but charming and delightful and never makes me apologetic for the such. But more than just making me feel accepted, he’s so easy going that he perfectly compliments my uptight nature, making us get along so well. He’s always so polite even when nobody else is to him and always tries to do the proper thing regardless of how he comes across. He’s the first to offer his help and knows instinctively when to step back and lay low. He never feels like his masculinity is threatened nor does he feel the need to threaten others. He never played games with me, he knows what he wants and is decisive about it. And he is Oh-so-funny.

There have been a few hiccups, which made the past week a nightmare. To be honest, it isn’t fully resolved, but he promised whatever happens, he’ll be okay with it.

On some levels, I don’t believe he fully gets me. But that’s to be expected and really isn’t a big deal. There’s just one issue which I don’t know whether we will ever get over, he knows it and I know it. Sometimes, I just stare at him and tell him how afraid I am of the future and of the outcome of our relationship. He becomes sad at that point too and we just quietly allow our minds to race with the most painful scenarios playing out vividly. We try to snap back to the present and enjoy the moments we have together. I try my best to remain as unemotional as I can, yet the wall I’ve so deliberately put up, has been unknownst to me hacked away quite quickly. I’ve been unconsciously falling for him.

So yes, I tried so desperately to chuck him aside, but this boy has held on so tightly to be, that without his stubby fingers wrapped around the nape of my neck and his kid-in-a-candy-store smile, I’d be so miserable and quite lost.

i’m seriously quickly falling for this guy. at first i did not understand why, but it became so obvious when every date we’ve had had both of us laughing hysterically. i was at his dinner party yesterday and it was so great how he just instinctively knew how made me feel comfortable with his friends without ever mollycoddling me. i really really like how easy going he is and how that’s so different from me, it made washing the dishes with him quite fun. i asked him the other day why he liked me, he said, my glasses. (i don’t wear any) i absolutely loved that response. i can go on and on about him and how great he is. but there’s also a lot i’m not saying. i’m leaving soon and it’s breaking both our hearts. as much as i’m trying to keep my feelings to myself and not let this get out of hand, he’s constantly on my mind and i always want to see him. i want to do everything with him, i want to watch the state of the union speech with him. it’s going to be so hard. but isn’t it far better to throw yourself into it and hold back and regret? i really really don’t know. i already really miss him.

how things change

I was meant to be a stepford wife. I was meant to be with one man, love him, respect him and cook for him and bear his babies. That was what I thought my future was meant to be like, clean, straight, narrow and singular. Everything has changed.

At the moment, I’m hanging out with two vastly different boys. I like them both so much and don’t ever want to hurt either of them. Cuddles, the first guy I started hanging out with, is brilliant, so kind and nice and we get along so well. We have the same nerdy humour which makes talking to him effortless and interesting. Because he was the first guy I went out with, there was nobody to inform him of. Also, we never really defined what we were, so the issue never came up. Cuddles and I just talk, laugh, drink beer and eat, uncomplicated and simple.

Then there’s SS. He’s the skinny jeans, black boots wearing, bearded boy who rides motorcycles and is terribly attractive.  When we met, I remember just wanting it to end, to go home and run away from him, because I thought he was just too much for me. Somehow, instead of going home, we (probably because he’s ridiculously smooth) found ourselves doing much more than I had intended, in the rain for a couple of hours. Once my guard came down, I realised, he is actually nice and isn’t the bad boy he looks and says he is. I remember saying to him that if we were in the park and someone wanted to get us, he’d probably trip me and save himself. He responded with annoyance, saying that if that’s what I thought of him, we should just leave. His response made him become exceptionally endearing to me. It’s odd, we don’t talk for hours, we don’t even text much because neither of us are keen texters, yet he’s always on my mind. We talked about what we wanted from each other and I told him I was also going out with other people, we talked about our expectations, about us not playing games, it was surprisingly open, honest and mature. Though, at the moment, I do feel like flinging everything to the wind for him.

I spent new years eve with Cuddles and his friends, which I was really dreading and wishing I could be with SS instead. Cuddles’ friends were so incredibly nice and I had such a great time with them. Never have I ever jumped into a group this easily and felt completely comfortable, to the point of even dancing with them. The most difficult part of the entire night was fending off Cuddles’ advances. I was his guest, with his friends and we were at his house, how do you gently reject someone over and over and over again without spoiling the party and then trying to leave without getting killed by his friends? His friends hinted in not the most subtle way possible about him liking me, all I could do was helplessly laugh. Also I was trying hard to subtly text SS without looking too sus. Anyway, at the end of the night, Cuddles had passed out completely and we dutifully cleaned up his house and quietly left. I was secretly quite glad that he did pass out because the advances stopped and there wouldn’t be any need for awkward goodbyes. His friends were so great and I’ve been invited to their party in a couple of weeks time.

Everything’s sort of crazy different from how things were a few years back. I keep looking back because I can’t help stare in disbelief at the disparities between the two. I feel somewhat glad that I’ve changed and living this different life. I guess a part of me always felt boxed up and judged that I found being in the box, safe. Now that I’ve ventured out, I’m the first to testify that all this scares the shits out of me. But what’s my alternative? Go back in the box and live my life and die quietly?

I’m different now. I’m happier. I’m not bored out of my mind. I’m excited.

Truth be told, this is going to bite me in the arse, I know. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.