how things change

I was meant to be a stepford wife. I was meant to be with one man, love him, respect him and cook for him and bear his babies. That was what I thought my future was meant to be like, clean, straight, narrow and singular. Everything has changed.

At the moment, I’m hanging out with two vastly different boys. I like them both so much and don’t ever want to hurt either of them. Cuddles, the first guy I started hanging out with, is brilliant, so kind and nice and we get along so well. We have the same nerdy humour which makes talking to him effortless and interesting. Because he was the first guy I went out with, there was nobody to inform him of. Also, we never really defined what we were, so the issue never came up. Cuddles and I just talk, laugh, drink beer and eat, uncomplicated and simple.

Then there’s SS. He’s the skinny jeans, black boots wearing, bearded boy who rides motorcycles and is terribly attractive.  When we met, I remember just wanting it to end, to go home and run away from him, because I thought he was just too much for me. Somehow, instead of going home, we (probably because he’s ridiculously smooth) found ourselves doing much more than I had intended, in the rain for a couple of hours. Once my guard came down, I realised, he is actually nice and isn’t the bad boy he looks and says he is. I remember saying to him that if we were in the park and someone wanted to get us, he’d probably trip me and save himself. He responded with annoyance, saying that if that’s what I thought of him, we should just leave. His response made him become exceptionally endearing to me. It’s odd, we don’t talk for hours, we don’t even text much because neither of us are keen texters, yet he’s always on my mind. We talked about what we wanted from each other and I told him I was also going out with other people, we talked about our expectations, about us not playing games, it was surprisingly open, honest and mature. Though, at the moment, I do feel like flinging everything to the wind for him.

I spent new years eve with Cuddles and his friends, which I was really dreading and wishing I could be with SS instead. Cuddles’ friends were so incredibly nice and I had such a great time with them. Never have I ever jumped into a group this easily and felt completely comfortable, to the point of even dancing with them. The most difficult part of the entire night was fending off Cuddles’ advances. I was his guest, with his friends and we were at his house, how do you gently reject someone over and over and over again without spoiling the party and then trying to leave without getting killed by his friends? His friends hinted in not the most subtle way possible about him liking me, all I could do was helplessly laugh. Also I was trying hard to subtly text SS without looking too sus. Anyway, at the end of the night, Cuddles had passed out completely and we dutifully cleaned up his house and quietly left. I was secretly quite glad that he did pass out because the advances stopped and there wouldn’t be any need for awkward goodbyes. His friends were so great and I’ve been invited to their party in a couple of weeks time.

Everything’s sort of crazy different from how things were a few years back. I keep looking back because I can’t help stare in disbelief at the disparities between the two. I feel somewhat glad that I’ve changed and living this different life. I guess a part of me always felt boxed up and judged that I found being in the box, safe. Now that I’ve ventured out, I’m the first to testify that all this scares the shits out of me. But what’s my alternative? Go back in the box and live my life and die quietly?

I’m different now. I’m happier. I’m not bored out of my mind. I’m excited.

Truth be told, this is going to bite me in the arse, I know. But nothing ventured, nothing gained.



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