to my future boyfriend*

*obviously, you might not exist rendering this post moot.

To my future boyfriend,

a part of me feels sorry you got stuck with me. You’d probably know by now that I can be slightly erratic and terribly emotional at times, I’m sorry, I hope my mood swings and sharp tongue dulls over time but I never make promises I can’t keep. At this point, I obviously know nothing about you but I do hope that you espouse the qualities in a man that reflect God’s love to the people around you and to me. I don’t have a long check list of characteristics I want you to have because I know what draws me to someone isn’t how many boxes they tick, but rather how the person makes me feel and our ability to understand each other without having to continuously and painfully articulate each feeling we experience.

I love God though sometimes my actions reflect otherwise. I’ve changed so much from what I was before and I do like how I am now. I’m slightly more liberal with my thoughts and actions, but the values I hold still stay firmly rooted in what Jesus has done on the cross for me. I love Jesus and you have to love Jesus too. How that manifests itself, I really don’t know. But I do hope that our relationship first and foremost be one that is established deeply in what Christ has done. For without Christ, our relationship will fail.

I don’t wish you to complete me nor fill any holes in my heart I believe are missing because I truly believe that this is a whole lot of crap. With that, I hope we will be able to hold on to ourselves as we walk through this relationship together. You might not love the things I love and that’s alright. I probably will not be interested in any video/computer game you are obsessed with, don’t hate me. Obviously, being in a relationship means sharing our lives and allowing our worlds to collide in the most dramatically beautiful way possible, but that doesn’t mean we need to be sewn together. I want you to have the freedom to be yourself, to go out with the boys and then come home to me with the biggest smile on your face. In the past, I was never able to do this, but with time, I’ve learnt much about independence and have not just appreciated it but started to want it for myself too.

One of the things I’ve been told is that I love to go on and on about how great my friends are. I talk at length about how they have dragged me through my exams and put up with so much of my crap with nothing in return. I do sincerely hope you love them just as much as I do. I cannot imagine a scenario where I come out alive without them, they mean the absolute world to me, please do not ever make me choose between our relationship and them. And just as I love my friends, I hope to love your friends as just much. These are the people you choose to keep around you and though you might not be cognisant of it, they shape you and are partly responsible for you being the way you are. I’m dating you and therefore want to get to know the people who are a part of making you you. I might be extraordinarily shy at first, but that’s because I’m probably incredibly afraid that they might hate me, but I promise, if you love them, I will too.

Families can bring the largest amounts of happiness into one’s lives but also an enormous load of grief. I know this well. Whether we are serious enough to make it to meeting each other’s families will remain unsaid but I hope that if we do, it would be just a gush about how our parents did a great job in bringing either of us up. I hope your mother likes me. I hope my father likes you.

We came together into this relationship has individuals and as such, we both have our own hopes and dreams. We don’t need to have the same dream but it would be incredibly hard to move forward together if our steps cause us to walk to separate directions. Do we give up our dreams for the other? I hope not, because all I can see is resentment following. But, you are not my husband and as such we can be independent in some ways. Does this mean we will be doomed? I’m not sure.

You probably will know that I have been hurt deeply before and bear the scars across my heart to show for it. As I wear my heart of my sleeve, if you have gotten this far, I’m probably enamoured with you, fully exposing a heart that isn’t fully perfect. As much as I would like to ask of you not to break it, promises have not been made, vows not taken and therefore you can break my heart and I yours. If we aren’t meant to be together as fearful as I am of going through another breakup, I hope that we do part ways, sooner rather than later. Though there will be yet another scar, I would rather this than a painful marriage.

But, if God wills it, we do stay together and love each other enough to want to be married, I’ll need to write another letter ;).

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