Writing apparently relieves the stress and tension burdening us and therefore makes the writer healthier due to lowered cortisol levels (according to this article). So this is me, relieving my stress.
After two years of a devastating breakup, I’ve found myself in a big funk. I was surviving, breathing and getting better, but none of it felt that I was really actually living. These two years have been so focused on getting back on track that I have found myself completely so on track that I started to feel stuck. I got myself so focused on one goal that I lost myself in that. I traded what I truly valued for less important things. Because of this, I found my angst growing and with a little help decided to break out of the continuous cycle, that is, my life.
It’s been truly terrifying stepping out of the safety that I’ve known. And to be honest, as much as I want to tell you that it’s been absolutely great, I know it’s been almost soul crushing and completely stressful. In the movies, instant gratification is always waiting for the person who decides to do something out of character. The main character steps out of his/her comfort zone and bam! amazing things happen. That’s not really what has happened for me. It’s been so incredibly hard. I went through such low periods of self doubt, of going back and forth, feeling so incredibly low that bad habits from the past start to show their ugly heads. Stepping out is so hard and I really find it difficult to see how this is a positive experience because all that’s happened have been negative. I want so badly to quit, to close my eyes and move back in time to a period where I feel satisfied, safe and comfortable.
Hence, as I sit here, feeling so insecure; feeling so completely vulnerable, I write.
Sometimes I feel like I have dug myself a greater hole than when I first started. Sometimes I feel so completely lost, I am not sure how to get back to my path again. But maybe, the whole point of wandering off was to leave the old path and forge a new path? Perhaps, I need to go through the darkness before I find where I’m meant to be. Breaking free is incredibly difficult because it involves letting go and pushing away all that hold us down. But once we get through the struggle, it gets better, I hope?
In animal behaviour lectures, we were told that when we attempt to make the animal stop behaving a certain way, we have to be prepared for the fact that it is going to get a lot tougher before it gets better. The animal isn’t going to like it one bit because he/she is so used to doing things a certain way and expecting certain results. When the results are changed, the animal’s unwanted behaviour will be emphasised because perhaps, the humans need a little reminding. We have to stay strong and hold on even though, we feel like giving up on the animal.
Maybe, the behaviour wasn’t that bad after all?
We can live with it.
Obviously, the past was so much better than what it is now. Let’s just quit and settle for the bad instead of enduring the worst.
These are the thoughts we have and tempted to give in. But we are meant to stay strong hold on. Ride the storm. It will get better. We need to be consistent, positive and tenacious.
Perhaps, that’s the same with me and stepping outside of my comfort zone and leaving my old path behind. It’s so incredibly difficult. My past bad behaviour has one hundred percent been emphasised. But, I have to stay strong, hold on and ride the storm. Because, one day, it will get better.