I am not a carefree person at all. I’m pretty uptight, I love routines, I hate even the whiff of danger and I love formality. I love deep relationships, the comfort that good friendships provide and absolutely hate uncertainty. I’m quite like a dog at times, I need my structure and a few close doggie pals along with a nice compound to stay in and will bark my bum off if a stranger comes close. Nice.
Hearing about some tinder stories, makes me think about how different I am to them. J and I were texting for a couple of days and admittedly, I love the attention. He’s smarter than the average, by saying things that played to my intellect rather than the typical, ‘hey cutie’. Though that waned when he realised that I wasn’t a causal type girl but I instead actually love being in a relationship and will never put out. It’s odd how even though, I don’t know him, I am affected by him. But I guess that stems from my inability to form superficial relationships. Any and all relationships affect me. I am way too emotional this way.
Why has this J affected my life so much? We talked about how polar opposite we are and his how he finds speaking to strangers comforting I whilst understand why he would, find most relief in the arms of solid friends. However, I get the strange excitement that perhaps to me J represents. He brings along this mystery that I am compelled to twist out. My friends would say, I am trying to solve a problem. I won’t disagree. Or maybe, being the way I am, it’s hard not to wonder what my life would be if I didn’t choose to live this way. Perhaps, he is in my eyes the window that allows me to peak at my alternate life.
Anyway, I deleted Tinder yesterday because it offers me nothing I truly desire. This friendship I have with an increasingly uninterested J reminds me of how quickly I get sucked into a world that I refuse to be a member of and a world that will not love me back.
I guess, with anything, it is always a process. It’s a process of reminding myself that I don’t need any nobody’s approval. That I am actually remarkably happy with my life. Yes, there could be a few improvements, but gone are the days of second guessing my choice of lifestyle.