So recently, my dog passed away. And as much as I try my best to stay stoic, a great part of me is well and truly breaking apart. Today, my doctor gave me an excellently clean bill of health and diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. It’s been one and a half weeks into the new semester and I am such a mess.
I think part of me felt relieved to know that what I have been feeling for the longest time is real and that I was just being a whinger. But another part of me felt so much weaker and vulnerable. I can’t hide from it anymore, it’s real and I can’t ignore it, I have to address it.
It becomes so easy to just hide away in my tiny cocoon of an apartment and drown out my feelings with any constant drone. I ashamedly watched bachelor paradise – which is pretty much the biggest poop show I’ve seen for awhile. It’s so easy to hide away just worry about eating healthily and keeping up appearances that I am completely fine.
I’m glad that I’ve been pushed to a point where I need to do something about it and I really am looking forward to therapy – somewhat. Though, I don’t suppose anything really will miraculously fill this emptiness. So really, I’m at a loss.
I’m trying so hard to remind myself that God is there for me and that he loves me so much and is the only one who feels the exact anxiety that strangles my heart and the exact pain I feel every time I think about my dog.
God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness says 2 Cor12:9. So, all I can do is hold up my broken heart, my dyslexia, my dog, my anxiety and my depression for in these my weaknesses, Christ is made strong. What that means, I honestly have no clue. How does this glorify God? I again, don’t know. But I guess this is one of the moments, I must remind myself that even though I don’t understand, God does and he knows what he is doing. He also loves me and I just have to free fall into his arms. He who did not spare his own son, will one hundred percent catch me when I fall/leap.