want not.

One of the biggest issues I’ve been struggling with is liking someone who not only has a girlfriend but a fiancé. I knew he had a girlfriend when my feelings for him grew but yet they did. I tried so hard to wish them away and hope they were temporary like some of my many other whims and fancies. But they stayed. All our conversations are stuck in my head, the times we spent together compounded and his kind words to me forever imprinted. Do I want this? No. 

I remember telling a friend about this and trying so hard to defend myself. The friend responded kindly and assured me that I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t act on my feelings, but rather bottle them up and hope one day they be died and buried. And though, I have yet to act on my non-compliant feelings, feelings of guilt sometimes overcome me. I did not want this. And yet it is here, mocking me. 

It’s been such a heartache for obvious reasons. But I guess, such is life. God never promised easy. God never promised smooth sailing. But He did promise that He will be with us, above us, below us, next to us. He promises that though this life might completely and utterly sucky, we have an eternity with Him to look forward to. I pray he keep my eyes focused on eternity and not on these fleeting things on earth. 

I realised I keep on harping on about how gloomy life on earth is and how I only have eternity to look forward to. It isn’t that I don’t love this life God has so graciously given to me, because I do love it. Yet, sometimes, I find myself wishing more for myself. Wishing to not be strapped down to the burdens life brings, but to be able to do more important things. I wish sometimes to be able to let go of all these knots. However, I’m reminded that sometimes, we need to go through these muddy phases, maybe it’s to teach us perseverance and give us perspective. Or maybe these muddy phases are the only route to take to get to where we want to be? I know that is particularly true for me. I need to go through the horror that is vet school, feeling completely incapable and incompetent to bring me to a point where I can better myself to serve the wider community. 

Eternity focused I want to be. But since I’m on earth, I’m going to do everything I can to bring glory to God!


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