There are days that I become so riddled with fear, stress, anxiety and whatever else that decided to tag along, that I can hardly focus. I get so consumed with these feelings that I become completely unproductive. I can’t think straight. I take it out on those who love me the most. Today was one of those days where the anxiety of tomorrow crippled me and a permanent frown was on my face. I run through all the alternatives in my head and completely obsess about the issue. I blame myself, I blame anybody who is within a 5 feet radius of me (actually I blame pretty much anyone).
I absolutely hate myself for that. I hate that I do this over and over again. Why can’t I just accept that this is how the chips have fallen? I need to be in complete control and move situations to fit me. Why?
I guess, to be honest, sometimes, I don’t trust God enough. My trust in him can be so limited that I feel the need to take over and take charge. I can be a control nut and the illusion of control sometimes makes me too happy that I loose control. I mean, I think that I have so much control that I stop being nice to people. I stop controlling what I say and how I say them. I hurt the people around. I guess it’s one of those power-getting-into-the-head thing.
I think I need to understand that I really am but a speck of dust compared to God and how much I can control really is stupid-minute. And when I realise that, I realise that everyday I live at his mercy. Everyday I wake up, God is giving me more time to live for him and not for myself.
you know my heart. You know my sinfulness all too well. Thank you for what Jesus did on the cross for though I don’t deserve you, you reached out and carried me back to you. Lord, you know the anxiety that I face each and everyday. The stress of exams, the pain of my own sinfulness and the darkness of my own heart, draws me away from you. Father forgive me. You know my daily/hourly struggles and yet you love me. Lord, I have not trusted you, I have gone my own way and yet I know that because the journey of faith is a progress and that the road of sanctification is not a short street but a long and narrow steep climb, I have the hope that you will make me more like Christ and less like my sinful self. Father, help me of little faith to have faith that can move mountains. Father help me to have the fruit of the spirit so that I can represent you better.
Father, hear my prayer
through Jesus Christ,