Today didn’t start off as a bad day. But just one bad decision quickly turned the day from a meh day to a cry day. The wrong choices are so easily made and sometimes it isn’t so much whether you made the wrong choice, but rather how people react to the choice you made. I guess this is especially true for someone like me, someone who does have quite a low self-esteem and needs encouragement at times.
My ex-boyfriend once told me that I put up the hardest of exteriors and people get so repelled by it. But once they know me they realise how completely mooshy I am actually. He told me how people need to see that side of me because my prickly side can be quite off-putting. I completely agree with his assessment of me and how I wish I could change and be better. But once hurt, it’s so difficult to be quiet and not fight back. But then I’m accused of being too weak because I don’t stand up for myself. It’s hard to try to explain to people who are confident and eloquent that if I do fight back that it would turn ugly because I’m not as capable of handling my emotions as they are. But instead, even when I try to explain myself, it sounds like I’m snapping at them. And then we are back to square 1.
This post has been written whilst in the midsts of an emotional fit so forgive the complete dishevelled sounding paragraphs. MISERABLE.