friends

This past year, a lot of things in my life changed, a lot of people who mean a great deal to me stopped being friends with me. Some of them stopped because they were my exbf’s friends first and I guess they didn’t really know how to be both our friends. Were they just my friends because it was convenient to be my friend or did we actually have a relationship? I’m not sure which is worse, to never really be my friend in the first place. Or to be my friend and then stop when circumstances changed. It’s hard to let go because I can’t help but take it personally. But I guess, put in their position, I know it would be hard to try and maintain a relationship with me. To their credit, they are always friendly and kind to me still. It does hurt, but I want to move on.

Another lot of friends whom I stopped talking to were my friends from school. My best friends. It’s still painful to think about what happened. And when I talk about it, I can’t help but fall into a fit of anger and then feel nothing but remorse and regret and complete sadness. Even though I am quite remorseful about the situation, my feelings once again contradict themselves because I know I had to stop talking to them. And  after talking to a few people, they have all agreed that it was for the best. I’m happy in a way because I’m not sucked in into all the drama and I don’t have to worry so much about who did what and who said what and I’m free to just live my own life. But obviously, loosing friends especially friends who we promised to walk through fire for is difficult.

Which leaves me here, where I am now. God has blessed me with a lot of new people who all have my back and care about me and I’m so thankful for them. I’ve really been blessed with new friends who really go out of their way at times to help me and I actually am not sure why. I am so glad to be with friends who will tell me the truth and will put me in my place if I do the wrong thing, which I do like because I need that. But ever so often, there are people who do take advantage of me. And obviously, it takes me back to the times when my past friends have hurt me and it makes me feel ten times more sensitive about it.

So today, my good friends were trying to tell me to stand up to her and to tell her what she was doing was wrong and how much she hurt me. I was very reluctant to want to do anything about it and would rather just go with the ‘let it go’ approach. I know she will continually take advantage of me, but I guess it is really just too hard to tell her she cannot. It isn’t that much of a big deal, so I decided confronting her will just make matters worse and solve nothing. I know talking about things is the best option, but sometimes I get so tangled up in my words and thoughts I can’t properly articulate how I really feel. So I just give up. Plus, I’ve become completely conflict adverse that I shy away from even slightly rocking the boat. My friend over lunch commented on how much I’ve changed and how less independent I’ve become. I don’t think she meant that I’m more dependent now, because I’m not. I think she meant how much less I stand up for myself now. Which is true. I think a part of my confidence is shaken. After loosing so many friends, I just don’t want to loose more. Even the crappy ones.

I know I’m being silly and if someone doesn’t treat me like a friend, they aren’t a friend. Easy enough. It’s a head versus heart thing. You know what you have got to do, but you just don’t want to do it. I know I have to get around to telling her how I feel. And I need to take action.

It’s funny because if you met me, you would never guess that I have such a shaken confidence and find it so hard to tell people off. I guess, it’s easy to just fake it.

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