I don’t want to like him. I don’t want to think about him. I wish I didn’t have to see him. And I promise you, talking about his girlfriend makes my stomach churn. This isn’t what I wanted, honest. After the breakup, I imagined my life getting better, me being more emotionally stable and just being less messy. Though secretly I do wish for a little bit of drama. Some times, this is more than I can tolerate. I wish this away.
I have never claimed to be the most moral person nor have I identified myself as one. Being a christian is hard a lot of the time. I’m constantly torn between wanting to do what honours God and doing what makes me happy. Obviously the times when I feel completely torn is when those two things are completely mutually exclusive. There are numerous times when they aren’t and honouring God is what I completely desire, but as a sinful human being, there are times when they aren’t top priority. Which brings me back to my unwanted feelings. I know this isn’t what I want. I know in my heart of hearts I don’t want to be date him or marry him. But feelings, or at least my feelings aren’t the most compliant things. They are rogue and go their own way, no qualms in putting me in a very sticky situation.
But I know, who I am is not just made up of my feelings. I know there is more to a person than how they feel. I’m made up of my actions, my thoughts, my beliefs, and my values (list is obviously not exhaustive). So, I pray that even though my feelings aren’t listening to me right now, that my actions don’t follow them. I pray that I hold on to my beliefs and do what is right, do what honours God instead of what I want to do.
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
I always find so much wisdom from Paul especially in his letter to the Romans. I just love how he seems to capture exactly how I feel at times and go one step further by encouraging me by making me see the love that God so richly pours out for me through Jesus. Such comfort from a man who once murdered Christians, how ironic! It’s so easy to get so wrapped up in how I feel, I forget that God knows how I feel and loves me all the same. He sees the war I battle where I am a prisoner of my own sinful self, and yet loves me. And not only does he do that, but he sends help to me to get me through these things in the form of the Holy Spirit to guide me through these waters. Admittedly, many times do the wrong thing. But I know he loves me.
What does all this mean? My feelings suck. But I am not just my feelings. I am also a child of God. God sent his Holy Spirit to help me. And hopefully I do the right things.