standby

I honestly can tell you that on a perfectly calm day, a day with blue skies, smiling faces and the right food and company, I am perfectly content. Happy to be single, happy to live this life without the hassle that comes with being in a relationship. Then there are days like today that makes it almost unbearable.

My ex-boyfriend. He is the kind of guy you would be proud to be held in his arms and show off to whomever you meet. He is patient, kind, understanding, intelligent, God-fearing, and so funny. It is a wonder why he chose me to begin with. It’s been quite a while since we’ve broken up, there are still days where the memory of him and I seem all too vivid for my sanity. I do miss him and will always love him. Yet, I know breaking up with most certainly the best decision that I was forced to go along with. Our relationship though amazing because we shared such a great connection where we could so easily be with each other without the need of expensive dinners or presents. We rarely bought each other presents or went to expensive restaurants. We enjoyed the pleasure of each other’s company and were always making each other laugh. It was nice. But the strains of life weighed on his shoulders as we entered the new year. Hopeful were we in the bright future we planned meticulously in front of ourselves, ready to be engaged and married. The stress from work, family and church were too much for him. And I, the supportive girlfriend, became selfish. The fairytale collapsed and in collapsing broke us both.

On hindsight, I know how far I’ve come from my immature days as his girlfriend. I’ve learnt to be more self-sufficient. I’ve learnt to enjoy being alone that insey bit more. I’ve learnt to be better on my own and not need him to hold my hand through every painful period of my life. I’ve learnt to be more independent. I make it sound like breaking up was easy as. I assure you it wasn’t. I got into bad habits post-break-up. And it’s taken me a long time to break them. It’s also taken me a great deal of restraint to not call him so often. Self-control isn’t my finest quality. But I’ve learnt to open my life up to others. Sometimes it was so good and I’ve made new friends who are trustworthy and lovely. However, there were times when I got hurt.

I learnt many things. But the context in which I had to learn them was almost excruciating. But it is through these painful circumstances that I have gained such a great appreciation for a God who seems to love me regardless of my stupidity and sinfulness. Whilst, I strived to gain the love of men that no matter how good they are, seem to leave, I have a God, THE God who does not leave. I have a God who ran after me when I left.  I have a God who not only will not leave me in my darkest hour, but sends his son to die the worst death and experience isolation from God, so that my sinful self can be redeemed. This never ceases to shake me from the inside out. I know my own sins, I know how dark my heart is, all this I know so well. Yet, Jesus willingly laid down his life for me. Why? Can’t he see how foolish I am? Can’t he see I make bad decisions? In all my darkness, in all my pain, when I hide myself from him, he is still there. He never leaves. This is my God. This is the one who I give my life to.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Pslam 139:7-12

You know me and yet you love me. Jesus, thank you. You make today bearable.

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