I love thee infinity.

I want to start writing publicly again. This is not because I crave the attention as sometimes having such an open account of my feelings and thoughts makes me feel like a silverback gorilla in its enclosure. I want to write because I’m constantly thinking of things that I’d like to say to people, but never really get the opportunity to. It’s not that the opportunities don’t show themselves, but rather because I’m quite a slow thinker, it takes me forever to digest an idea that by the time I come to some semblance of a conclusion, everybody is rushing off to the next appointment. Also, despite my painful extroversion, I am unfortunately terribly cowardly. I’m simply not brave enough to express my exact feelings because of the most juvenile of reasons, I want to be liked. I’m learning obviously that that is in itself might contribute more to people disliking me, that is, needing approval and being so wishy washy. My sanguine self I hope will try to push through the inertia that comes with the initial stages of blog writing. Though, knowing me, don’t hold your breath for long.

I think the first thing that I always wanted to write about is based on a conversation I constantly have, I’m (or he is or she is) gay (bisexual) there is nothing wrong with me (him/her). At this point, most of the time, I try to tiptoe out of the corner I’ve painted myself into and hope and pray I say something politically correct without offending the parties involved. Maybe before I start, a little bit of my background should be provided. I am a Christian first and foremost. I would love for my identity to just be Christian and myself to be excluded and unseen for I do believe that because I am also a sinner, I am most definitely an inaccurate depiction of who Christ is and what he has done. Alas, we live in a fallen world and my sinful identity is all too evident. I am not as same-sex-tempted as other people are (which should make sense if I am as coherent as I’d like to be) and live in a city that pretty much can be called the gay capital of the world.

So, from all my conversations with all my brothers and sisters who call themselves gay or lesbian or bisexual, when somebody says, ‘so what? there is nothing wrong with me‘, as I’ve mentioned earlier, I do want to say something comforting something polite, for example, ‘ no sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, I love who you are no matter who you love‘. But I can’t. The truth is, yes there is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with me. There is something wrong with all of us. We are sinners in a sinful world, we have gone our own way and rejected God’s rule in our lives. I am a sinner, a terrible sinner who is deserving of complete isolation from God. But because God loved me so much, he sent Jesus to die a horrible death to pay the price that I deserve to pay all by myself for me. In doing so, God made me a sinner, pure. I love you, my brothers and sisters and I will never think myself better than you but what you are doing is not what God created you for. He created you in his image and I hope one day you know this truth for yourself. But until then, I will be here waiting for you.

At this point, I do realise that nobody really is going to sit and listen to my whole spiel, but I hope to move in that general direction, rather than taking the easy way out. I do think that being gay/lesbian/bisexual runs contrary to what God has created romantic relationships to be. But does that mean I am any better than them because I am not so inclined? Nope. Honestly, I can say plainly that I’ve mess up big time on a continual basis. I do however feel continually saddened over the repeated discrimination that gays/lesbians/bisexuals face. Whether it is just a causal remark or outright crimes, I am sorry that this world is so sinful and I wish they didn’t have to go through the things they do.

I say same-sex-tempted as an expression of homosexuality because I feel that the terms homosexuality and heterosexuality are too black and white. They define an either-or situation, however, I do think same sex attraction is more of a gradient and depth to which we are tempted to lust after people or the same sex. For example, do we label a person who had one homosexual experience but now is in a heterosexual relationship the former or the latter? Or if a person has been for his majority of his life a heterosexual but decides to have one homosexual experience, do we give him the label that describes the majority of his life or the most recent part of his life? Hence, sometimes these labels just don’t work. We are on a gradient. And some of us are tempted more so than others.

And to those who are tempted and are doing all their best to resist the temptation, I do respect you with all my heart. Jesus was tempted in many ways and he overcame them, so can you.

I am still learning and I do admit I get it wrong almost 99% of the time. Be patient with me. Bear with me. Admittedly, I’m not the best of writers or the most articulate, but just as Solomon asked God to give him wisdom so he can serve God better, I too ask God to make me wise.


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