exam in 1.5 days time. 

biggest semester this year with regards to examined content. 

ah. 

anyway, wonderful article, here is. 

wish me luck. 

xx

microhaemorrhages. 

how to do singleness well.

In a season of singleness, it is easy to doubt God, especially when we can’t see the big picture. It can be tempting to think that it’s your responsibility to go out and find someone. But as you practice patience, be encouraged and know that as you wait and seek God, He is working behind the scenes and orchestrating your larger story. He is shaping you and maturing you into the man or woman He has called you to be. If God knit you together in your mother’s womb, then He must understand you better than anyone else. Do you trust Him with your future? Do you believe He knows not only what is best for you, but the timing in which it will all pan out?
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/how-do-singleness-well#MxqMJrzqZcFHAgGD.99

 

really found this article such an encouragement especially when times get so difficult.

an open letter to you

Dear you, 
I never thought I’d get along with someone so well. From the first time we carpooled together, it was apparent to the both of us how effortless it was talking to each other was, even though it was pretty much the first time we had properly spoken. We, then, both had our own partners, happily blissfully in love with them. Our friendship did not really blossom or grow much till after my breakup. Not because you helped me get through it, as all you asked was, ‘who broke up with who?’. It was probably a year later when we both got pulled into doing something neither of us wanted to do. The prospect of having to spend the whole day with you wasn’t really exciting, but I didn’t really have anything better planned. Also, being an extrovert meant, I would rather be out than in my quiet home. But we did, we spent the day together talking about everything. It was nice. It was truly the first time that I realised that maybe there were people who I, Miss Oddball, could perhaps talk to without too much awkwardness. I can go on and talk about the other times you made me see that the world just might have someone who I don’t feel doesn’t judge me for my quirks or makes me feel like I have to anyone else but myself. But there are too many. And so it began, I was excited to see someone. Gone were the days where I spent my time questioning in dim lighting, and it was nice. 

I’m so thankful for our friendship and the way we can share our flawed ideologies with each other. I’m so glad that you unbeknownst to the both of us brought me out of my slump and I cannot thank you enough for that. We will always be friends and I probably will always be in gratitude. But holding on to all of this is eating me up inside. It doesn’t help when a mutual friend constantly comments on how close we are and how if you didn’t have a fiancé we’d be together. Holding on to you is easy because I can fall back into my head filled with memories of us and hide from reality. I’m going to have to let you go. I’m letting go of the hope that you will turn around and realise that I probably love you. I’m letting go of the hope that one day you will stop the car and kiss me. I’m letting go of the hope that I will hear ‘I love you too’ racing back at me. I’m letting you go. 

Love, 
Microhaemorrhages. 

want not.

One of the biggest issues I’ve been struggling with is liking someone who not only has a girlfriend but a fiancé. I knew he had a girlfriend when my feelings for him grew but yet they did. I tried so hard to wish them away and hope they were temporary like some of my many other whims and fancies. But they stayed. All our conversations are stuck in my head, the times we spent together compounded and his kind words to me forever imprinted. Do I want this? No. 

I remember telling a friend about this and trying so hard to defend myself. The friend responded kindly and assured me that I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t act on my feelings, but rather bottle them up and hope one day they be died and buried. And though, I have yet to act on my non-compliant feelings, feelings of guilt sometimes overcome me. I did not want this. And yet it is here, mocking me. 

It’s been such a heartache for obvious reasons. But I guess, such is life. God never promised easy. God never promised smooth sailing. But He did promise that He will be with us, above us, below us, next to us. He promises that though this life might completely and utterly sucky, we have an eternity with Him to look forward to. I pray he keep my eyes focused on eternity and not on these fleeting things on earth. 

I realised I keep on harping on about how gloomy life on earth is and how I only have eternity to look forward to. It isn’t that I don’t love this life God has so graciously given to me, because I do love it. Yet, sometimes, I find myself wishing more for myself. Wishing to not be strapped down to the burdens life brings, but to be able to do more important things. I wish sometimes to be able to let go of all these knots. However, I’m reminded that sometimes, we need to go through these muddy phases, maybe it’s to teach us perseverance and give us perspective. Or maybe these muddy phases are the only route to take to get to where we want to be? I know that is particularly true for me. I need to go through the horror that is vet school, feeling completely incapable and incompetent to bring me to a point where I can better myself to serve the wider community. 

Eternity focused I want to be. But since I’m on earth, I’m going to do everything I can to bring glory to God!

temporary

Miracles no different to the one I experienced most recently are only temporary. Soon after the glow of such a great event happening, I feel myself growing discontent again with life, hoping again for another miracle. Forgetting so quickly the huge bullet I just dodged and focusing solely on my have-nots. 

This evening, I felt the familiar pang of emptiness that comes so often with being a single girl in a world where most of my friends are in relationships, or are engaged, married, or having babies. It’s hard to feel complete when it seems to be full you need a partner. The people that I have/had tiny crushes on all out of my reach and know not of my existence. I come home to a quiet house and wish to the silence for this not to be a permanent arrangement. 

Yet in the stillness of my home and the quiet humming of my oven, I remember Jesus only Jesus. In the past week, I was reminded of the crucification of my Jesus, how he was taken away, how he was beaten and tortured and nailed on the cross for all to see and mock. I was reminded of how he then rose from the dead and conquered what I alone cannot by paying the full and ultimate price for my sinfulness. 

I remember hearing a sermon about miracles being temporary, how for example Lazarus though was raised up from his grave, would one day have to face another death, these miracles are not all I have to look forward to. They instead bring me closer to the day where there will be no need for miracles, a day where I will be with my Jesus. 

My heart aches to be married, to come home to a house filled with happy noise and to the one who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, the one who would sacrifice for me and love me like how Christ loves the church. My heart yearns for the day I, dressed in white, commit myself to the one who loves me, holding myself accountable to the vows I make in front of my family and friends. Yet, God did not promise this to me and therefore I cannot expect that this will happen in my life, no matter how many times my friends go, ‘you’ll find someone, i’m sure‘. Maybe not now or in this life time will this happen, but one day I will see Jesus. And I will come home to a house filled with glorious singing of praises  and to The One Who Loves Me, to the one who did sacrifice for me by his death on the cross not just for me but for the church. 

So.. things worked out in the most dramatic emotional way. They worked out not because of anything I had done but because I have a God who takes care of me. Obviously, even if things didn’t work out, I would still think that God is taking care of me though it would be so much more painful. Sometimes, I think it’s crazy how God uses the worst situations to remind you that every step of the way, he is in control and that you have to trust him. It’s such a difficult pill to swallow. It’s an easy concept, God loves me. God is great and powerful and awesome. Therefore better God in control rather than myself. A sinful selfish human being who admittedly makes bad choices and is finite in my abilities. Yet, when push comes to shove, I feel the need to take the stirring wheel and drive my own life. How foolish!

I’m learning to trust God. 

 

dependent

Behind all the tears and all that pain, I am reminded that I am truly utterly dependent on God. My life is but a mere vapour without God and I cannot function without God.

Today, I realised something truly awful happened. And honestly, the only way out is if God wills it. I spent the whole day talking to friends and nobody really knew what to say besides, I’m sorry this happened and am hoping for the best. One was optimistic enough and said, worst case scenarios never usually play out. But other than that, my friends sat with me, hugged me, put their arms around me and one even took me out for a movie to take my mind off it. Nobody could tell me what my future held and nobody could tell me it would be okay. And as much as I appreciated everybody’s kindness, I felt completely alone and like I had to walk this by myself. Over the phone, with my whaling in the background, a friend said this, ‘whatever it is, I know you don’t do this by yourself’. It seems like I’m so isolated dealing with everything on my own and not having anybody who truly understands this that I’m going through. Yet I know my comforter and my counsellor is with me. And even as I sit here with hot tears flowing down, I know that I am not alone and that my God is with me every step of the way. 

She reminded me that my identity isn’t found in this and that even if it doesn’t work out my future is secure in Jesus. She also made me see that this shows me how utterly dependent I am on God. I have to wait on a God whose promises are secure.