tinder part deux

I am not a carefree person at all. I’m pretty uptight, I love routines, I hate even the whiff of danger and I love formality. I love deep relationships, the comfort that good friendships provide and absolutely hate uncertainty. I’m quite like a dog at times, I need my structure and a few close doggie pals along with a nice compound to stay in and will bark my bum off if a stranger comes close. Nice.

Hearing about some tinder stories, makes me think about how different I am to them. J and I were texting for a couple of days and admittedly, I love the attention. He’s smarter than the average, by saying things that played to my intellect rather than the typical, ‘hey cutie’. Though that waned when he realised that I wasn’t a causal type girl but I instead actually love being in a relationship and will never put out. It’s odd how even though, I don’t know him, I am affected by him. But I guess that stems from my inability to form superficial relationships. Any and all relationships affect me. I am way too emotional this way.

Why has this J affected my life so much? We talked about how polar opposite we are and his how he finds speaking to strangers comforting I whilst understand why he would, find most relief in the arms of solid friends. However, I get the strange excitement that perhaps to me J represents. He brings along this mystery that I am compelled to twist out. My friends would say, I am trying to solve a problem. I won’t disagree. Or maybe, being the way I am, it’s hard not to wonder what my life would be if I didn’t choose to live this way. Perhaps, he is in my eyes the window that allows me to peak at my alternate life.

Anyway, I deleted Tinder yesterday because it offers me nothing I truly desire. This friendship I have with an increasingly uninterested J reminds me of how quickly I get sucked into a world that I refuse to be a member of and a world that will not love me back.

I guess, with anything, it is always a process. It’s a process of reminding myself that I don’t need any nobody’s approval. That I am actually remarkably happy with my life. Yes, there could be a few improvements, but gone are the days of second guessing my choice of lifestyle.

tinder?

this weekend, i decided to download the tinder app. a friend and i fiddled with it over dinner and it seemed innocent enough – that is, if you don’t right swipe the douche-bag photos i.e. topless pics. so when we got home, i downloaded it and for a while i was pretty obsessed. i got more matches than i thought i would which is a confidence booster (i didn’t think i’d get any). i got to talking to a few of them, some were creeps and they were quickly unmatched. a handful were decent and one seemed to get along with me quite well. this one was great just chatting about things and we had deep discussions (as deep as you can get on tinder) and yes it was nice. he admitted he found me interesting and my expressions intriguing, which is nice to be recognised as ‘not blend’. finally, he asked whether i was looking for true love. that was a difficult question. firstly because at this point, i was convinced that tinder wasn’t right for me. not because of stranger danger, but because of what it represents in my life.

at church, one of our beloved ministers was leaving and she gave a phenomenal farewell sermon. it was about trusting God and not fearing. she encouraged us to get out of the boat and to go where Jesus is. In Peter’s case, he scrambled out of the boat into open and walked towards Jesus on the water. I’ve heard this story so many times, till today, it had little significance in my life. however instead of it washing over me as usual, i was reminded how incredible that was. to get out of a boat, to jump ONTO the water and walk towards Jesus.

so how does it all fit together?

One of the reason why I stayed on tinder even though I realised that it was a hook-up app (yes, i can be slightly naive), is the fear being alone. I fear it to a large extent and this fear can drive me in the wrong direction. Being on tinder itself isn’t wrong to me. I can’t even bear the thought of meeting up with any of them, let alone seriously entertain the possibility of hooking up with any of them. In the ‘about’ section, it reads,
‘Nothing in my hand I bring,
simply to the cross I cling;
naked, come to thee for dress;
helpless, look to thee for grace;
foul, I to the fountain fly;
wash me, Savior, or I die.’

there isn’t any false advertising going on.

but if the fear of being alone is directing my actions, that means, my love and utter reverence for my Lord is not. This also means, i am not trusting in my God to meet my needs as he wills, but acting on my own fears to meet the needs i deem important. i am reminded of the israelites in the dessert and how God gave them manna. everyday, the people gathered and it was sufficient. some tried to keep the bread for the days to come worried that God might not provide. the manna they kept were found to have maggots in them the next day. every single day, God provided food that was enough for their daily needs, they didn’t need to worry. with this, i know every single day, God provides for my needs. every single day. i don’t have to keep my metaphorical manna because my God who loves me will take care of tomorrow for me.

this leaves me with my decision that leaving tinder behind is for my own good. yet obviously, my sinful self indulges in the safety of getting matches and having guys chat to me making me feel not only completely surrounded by people but wanted by them. but obviously, this is so incredibly superficial it is almost impossible for it to amount to anything at all. i will miss my one and only person who for some reason finds me charming and pretty. that makes me happy. maybe i’ll take him with me and we can be friends outside of tinder. though, he said quite honestly, he was merely looking for a casual relationship. and friends of mine can testify to the fact that casual does not run in my vocabulary be it in fashion or relationships.

a dog on his master

A DOG ON HIS MASTER
by Billy Collins
As young as I look,
I am growing older faster than he,
seven to one
is the ratio they tend to say.

Whatever the number,
I will pass him one day
and take the lead
the way I do on our walks in the woods.

And if this ever manages
to cross his mind,
it would be the sweetest
shadow I have ever cast on snow or grass.

tears

So recently, my dog passed away. And as much as I try my best to stay stoic, a great part of me is well and truly breaking apart. Today, my doctor gave me an excellently clean bill of health and diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. It’s been one and a half weeks into the new semester and I am such a mess.

I think part of me felt relieved to know that what I have been feeling for the longest time is real and that I was just being a whinger. But another part of me felt so much weaker and vulnerable. I can’t hide from it anymore, it’s real and I can’t ignore it, I have to address it.

It becomes so easy to just hide away in my tiny cocoon of an apartment and drown out my feelings with any constant drone. I ashamedly watched bachelor paradise – which is pretty much the biggest poop show I’ve seen for awhile. It’s so easy to hide away just worry about eating healthily and keeping up appearances that I am completely fine.

I’m glad that I’ve been pushed to a point where I need to do something about it and I really am looking forward to therapy – somewhat. Though, I don’t suppose anything really will miraculously fill this emptiness. So really, I’m at a loss.

I’m trying so hard to remind myself that God is there for me and that he loves me so much and is the only one who feels the exact anxiety that strangles my heart and the exact pain I feel every time I think about my dog.

God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness says 2 Cor12:9. So, all I can do is hold up my broken heart, my dyslexia, my dog, my anxiety and my depression for in these my weaknesses, Christ is made strong. What that means, I honestly have no clue. How does this glorify God? I again, don’t know. But I guess this is one of the moments, I must remind myself that even though I don’t understand, God does and he knows what he is doing. He also loves me and I just have to free fall into his arms. He who did not spare his own son, will one hundred percent catch me when I fall/leap.

exam in 1.5 days time. 

biggest semester this year with regards to examined content. 

ah. 

anyway, wonderful article, here is. 

wish me luck. 

xx

microhaemorrhages. 

how to do singleness well.

In a season of singleness, it is easy to doubt God, especially when we can’t see the big picture. It can be tempting to think that it’s your responsibility to go out and find someone. But as you practice patience, be encouraged and know that as you wait and seek God, He is working behind the scenes and orchestrating your larger story. He is shaping you and maturing you into the man or woman He has called you to be. If God knit you together in your mother’s womb, then He must understand you better than anyone else. Do you trust Him with your future? Do you believe He knows not only what is best for you, but the timing in which it will all pan out?
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/how-do-singleness-well#MxqMJrzqZcFHAgGD.99

 

really found this article such an encouragement especially when times get so difficult.